I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
