apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
