I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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