Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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