I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
