I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
