Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It's never too late to be topless.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
