Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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