why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
