I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
