I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
