So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
