how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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