Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
