if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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