she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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