i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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