the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
