great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize