i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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