This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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