New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
