Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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