All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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