I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My life is pants optional.
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