Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
