Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize