My room smells like vodka and shame
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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