dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
