i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
how does that bad decision feel?
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