i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
