you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
