Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
