it hurts more in the daytime
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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