I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize