Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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