My cat gives me a boner
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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