her vagine was all disorganized.
Please, let me fuck your mom
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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