i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
