i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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