At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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