I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I did not marry a roomba.
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