I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
