it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
