It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
