I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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