Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Randomize
