Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
