Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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