God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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