in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
