im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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