Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
