my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
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