his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Sober January is a disaster.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
