totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
