Ambien. No doubt about it.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
