if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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